Closing Chapters

They say that what we regret the most are the things we didn’t do and the words that haunt us the most are the words we didn’t say.

I finally understood how important it is to close our chapters in the best possible way we can—to transition to the next chapter and stop rereading the previous one.

At the beginning of this year, I knew that I have moved on past the pain and transitioned to the acceptance phase. However,  friendship remained to be a painful  and unwelcome idea…until I saw you a few days ago. We have only exchanged a few smiles but seeing you again washed away the remaining bitterness of a painful past.  I realized that I no longer felt threatened about the idea of becoming friends.

I typed a quick hello hoping that we were both on the same page already, hoping that my intentions were regarded as how I wanted it to be.

Between our random exchanges, these were the words that took me by surprise. I was unsure what it meant but I knew that to me, it was a distant memory.

“It’s been a while but it feels like yesterday. I want to talk to you in person soon.”

“Ok. Pero walang drama ha? “ I replied trying to lighten the mood, knowing that soon was a very relative word.

I have learned some time ago that SOON can mean today, tomorrow, a few days or months from now and sometimes it can also mean never. I don’t know if we’ll ever get the chance to talk again but I’d like to picture that day as something like this.

I’d walk inside the café and find you sitting at a corner table, probably fiddling with your blackberry. It would be a bright, sunny afternoon in a warm, cozy place—my favorite setting. You would see me and you would smile. I would smile. You will look happy and so would I. No more of those somber, uncomfortable, emotional atmospheres that we frequented some time ago.

I will sit down and we’ll take our orders. You would ask me “how are you?” and I would sincerely answer it “Great!” as you would when I would ask you the same question. That would be how I want you to be. You would sigh just like how our conversations started before but it won’t be followed by your brows furrowing into a worried look like you are about to say something dreadful. Instead, you would speak about how great things are going.

You would talk about your new job and it would be good, as I hope it would be. You would recount the great adventures and misadventures of your passion. We would laugh easily like we used to. I would talk about my same old boring job, about our friends, about my plans for the future. You would talk about your plans for the future with a smile in your eyes.

Then you would slowly speak out the words you would have wanted to say a long time ago. You would look somber about having hurt me before and the possibility of hurting me again. I would take your hand, look into your eyes and smile. I will say “It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” I would want you to know that I have really forgiven you. I would want you to rid yourself of the guilt. I would want you to move on as I already have.

I would tell you how I want our final meeting to be something which will allow us to move forward without regrets weighing on our decisions. I would hope that you would have forgotten those ‘somedays and what ifs’ because I want you to live your life and be happy with what you have chosen. I’ve said those words so many times before but I would mean it more this time, without secretly wishing that you would choose me. I will tell you that I have long accepted that we were not meant to be together. I will smile and tell you of my hopes about finding the one and you would smile and wish me the same.

I would not want to hear that you have made your decision based on obligation. I would want you to tell me that you have wholeheartedly chosen her because you realized that you didn’t want to lose her and that you are still in love with her. That would have been the fair choice. That would have been the manly choice. That would have meant you had enough courage to stand up for what you want in life. That’s what I would’ve wanted for you, to have found the courage to live the life you dream of. That would keep me in peace knowing you are going to live your life happily.

And when it’s time to say goodbye, we will hug each other and smile, instead of cry. We will smile because we have finally closed a chapter in the best possible way we can. There will be no tears, no regrets, only memories and lessons learned. I would tell you that I am no longer afraid to love again because I know that I am capable of healing and forgiving and that pain is temporary.

We would wave with a smile, knowing that wherever life leads us, we are going to be okay.

We would walk out of that place wiser, stronger, a better person with more love and compassion for ourselves than we had when we walked in.

That would be how I want our chapter to end.

Forgiving is not only forgetting the pain. It is extending compassion to the person who has hurt us. It is wishing the other person good despite the circumstance they have thrown upon us. We should always come out of our pain as a better person.

Of Silly Girls and Prince Charmings

I fell in love today. *goofy grin*

Yes, I did. With Jon McLauglin. How can someone look so good and sound so good? Is that even allowed?

The song So Close was a soundtrack for the movie Enchanted and yes I am greatly disappointed of this late discovery. I heard the song over the radio a few days ago and I remembered to google it today and voila! He looks so damn good pala! Sorry for the gushing. GIRLS yeah yeah.

The lovely song is just so heartwarming and it reminds me of fairytales, slow dancing, falling in love blah blah. I guess in every girl there will always be that silly part of ourselves who dreams of Prince Charmings,  Edward Cullens, Christian Greys, the knights in shining armor who will steal our hearts and trip us into a great love story. That despite our past relationships, our brokenness and mediocrity our heart desires something beautiful (yes, like the movies and like the fairy tales and the impossibles but who’s to say it can’t happen eh?)

It may sound ridiculous but don’t let go of that part of you. Because in this age where it’s a struggle to hold on to a relationship or marriage, I think we need that part of ourselves who will hope and believe that somewhere out there a magical and lasting love story can exist.

I am Ready. Bring it On!

We’ve all had our hearts broken….

It’s never easy…

But one thing is for sure… unlike broken things, a broken heart can be stitched back together and it can work more wonderfully than it did before.

I was browsing through my files when I came a across some things I wrote a few months back. I clicked them open one by one. As I read through the words, memories came flooding back… some things I couldn’t remember anymore…not until today. I laughed out loud at one point seeing the word “soulmate” and shaking my head. “Really? How’d you come up with that idea?” was all I could ask myself. Funny how our thoughts change after a while.

Although, it is a part of my past that I don’t want to revisit anymore I realized that it is still a part of who I was and who I am, for that matter. It will always be something that changed me and after reading those writings I finally realized that it’s finally a closed chapter. I am happy with where I am right now and I believe I am ready to face what life has in store for me. I have forgiven the people who’ve hurt me a long time ago but more importantly I have forgiven myself too.

Now, I can finally write about it. I have refused to write anything about this before because I told myself I won’t delve in too much drama anymore.  This time though, I will write about it for the reason that I want to remember how far I’ve come.

In my attempt to forget what happened, I’ve deleted most of the files a few months ago. The following are the ones that survived my rage. Haha.

Sometime in March

“The words pierced though like daggers or maybe a slap in the face or a punch in the stomach. “If ever…”. As the words registered through my brain I couldn’t help having that sinking feeling. The next words were like distant echoes. I pulled away instantly. He noticed the sudden change in my mood and asked me what was wrong. I shook my head and said “Wala.” The tears threatened. He really didn’t have any plans. He really couldn’t do it. I knew that but the confirmation made it feel ten times more difficult to digest. Wow. I cursed myself for expecting. I hated him for popping the “What if” question.  I couldn’t help thinking how I’ve let it come this far. I cried. I punched him. I screamed at him. “How could you?” was all I could ask. “Sinabi ko naman sayo wag mo ako paaasahin.” I sobbed. He tried to pull me close but I kept on pushing him away. He was speechless. He didn’t have any reassuring words and that made it worse. “

Sometime in June

“In the middle of reading the book, of waiting for an email, of explaining my absence, I realized the only vivid emotion I have right now is FEAR. I have to admit to myself that I’m scared. I’m scared about the future. I’m scared about moving on. I’m so scared to be sucked in this moving on phase. I don’t want it to last for months or years. And this is something I have to get over with.

I need someone who will take away the fear. Someone who will assure me that the future is going to be beautiful. “

Sometime in September

Was it because people stick with those who fight for them? She never did. All she ever did was ask him to let her go. Would have it been any different if she fought, if she made it her battle? Did he love her any less because she didn’t fight for him?

Her eyes fluttered open soaking in the rays of light peeking in through the blinds. Was it a dream? A bad nightmare? The words still echoed in her head. It played over and over like a refrain or a bad last song syndrome. She reached for her mobile phone and typed in a quick message to her boss. Work didn’t appeal to her today. In fact, she didn’t feel like doing anything at all. She lay on her bed replaying the phone conversation from yesterday. She clicked on her playlist and John Mayer’s words floated around the quiet room.

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”

Is love really a decision? “I’ve already decided”, he said more to himself than to her refusing to answer the question directly. How she wished it was just as easy to tell herself that the feelings were gone, that the words meant nothing, that everything was just a big lie. They’ve been through this before only this time there were no ‘somedays’, no ‘tomorrows’, no hopes because he has already decided. How unfair it was that she had to ask him a thousand times to let her go but he was the one who kept holding on, dragging her deeper and finally to let her go just when she started to believe in his ‘somedays’.

Did he mean it? Was it really gone? Whether he did or he didn’t she had to believe it for her own sake. It was probably absurd to beg him to say those words. Though it would have been easier to believe it if he didn’t say it with hesitation, if she didn’t have to plead and beg him to say it. Did he say it only because she agreed to be friends or did he say it because it was really the truth?

There was silence. Then he finally said it “Hindi na kita mahal.”

She caught her breathe. For a while everything seemed to stop. Those words were like daggers to her heart. “Thank you”, she whispered.

O diba ang drama lang? Hehe.

Reading back through those just made me smile. Ang corny na, ang drama pa. Haha. No wonder kulang nalang pagulungin ako sa hills ng mga kaibigan ko (you can gag now, my friends =p). Kidding aside, I guess we all go through these emotions.  They’re real. I might have felt like losing something before but now I’ve realized that I gained more from losing. These dramas, roller coaster of emotions, holding on, letting go, grief… in the end, they all teach us a lesson. I learned that we should not wait for someone to fix us. If we need to fix ourselves, it’s a DIY (do it yourself) thing.

And if you have gone through the same agony, remember that you should use these life experiences to make yourself a better version of who you are. Allow it to make you stronger and wiser so that the next time you put your heart out there you know how to set the bar high… set it high in terms of who treat you right.

This is something I’ve learned through all the brokenness; There’s nothing really wrong in loving someone too much. In fact, we should love someone with all that we have. The real problem is we love ourselves too little.

When you have the courage to look back at your past and feel love for yourself when you see the monsters you have battled, it means you are ready to move forward. It may take a while…. but you can only hurt as much as you allow yourself too. Be someone you can love and allow that love to grow in you.  When you love yourself, you’ll never settle with something less than great.

When you’re ready, everything will fall into place. Bring it on, universe! I know you have planned  something wonderful for me.